Meraki Vagary

Sometimes I feel like I wasn’t made for this world.

Is that an odd statement?

Apparently, as a child, I used to tell my mum that I didn’t feel I belonged; like maybe I had been born in the wrong time.  I was 5.

I still feel that way.

I feel sad quite often.  Lost. It’s a heavy feeling.  It’s not constant.  I have happy things in my world.  I have people who make my heart smile and make me laugh.  I have happy things and memories.  But some days the sad outweighs the good and it gets a bit much.  Happy people are often wearing masks.  We’re the best fakers.  We fake being ok daily.  It’s a heck of a skill.

People seem to disappoint me daily at the moment.  People say and do things that hurt others and yet remain completely oblivious to the damage they’ve caused.  I wish they could just think and be aware of the results their hurtful words and actions will have.

Sometimes I am shocked at how appallingly one human can treat another.  It makes my soul sad.  How can people be so cruel and selfish?

A tiny part of me, still hopes that maybe, one day, we’ll care.

Smile at people as you pass them.  Care about others days and bear in mind that they might have had a bad day and need a kind word.  A HUG COSTS NOTHING! And cures everything.

We're experiencing a GLOBAL pandemic. The very essence of this statement means we are not alone in this and that maybe we need to appreciate that fact and stop being so selfish!

My Nan used to squeeze my hand.  Simple as that.  She’d put her hand on top of mine and gently squeeze.  It’s the smallest gesture and it meant everything to me.  It meant ‘I know’ and ‘I’ve got you’ and ‘You’re not alone’.  I have never missed something so much.

But I can’t fix me.  I’ve been trying for years.  I feel broken and like I am still trying to mend. I'm getting there as I get older and actually lockdown changed something inside me and made me let go of a lot of the hurt I was carrying. I think it helped me see things from a bigger perspective. 

I've been on a personal journey of mindfulness and wellbeing since lockdown started. I've been creating with nature and organic dyes and exploring contextual and topical subjects within my art.  My synergistic practice has allowed me to let go more, to accept I can't control everything and to actually take some time to just breathe and feel calmer. It's altered me more than I realised and has been a huge help to my mental health and wellbeing.

Through my painting I hope to help others find that calmer pace.